Torn

I now understand what mothers mean when they say they feel "guilty" and "torn" when they return to work after having a child. Strangely enough, I didn't feel this guilt last March when I first went back to work but I suppose that may be because he was still a tiny baby who slept most of the time and I felt like I wasn't missing as much. Now he moves all over the place, he's starting early stages of walking, and he is affectionate and oh so much fun. I feel like I am missing SO MUCH! Then I have the guilty feeling that I cannot completely devote myself to my work anymore, nor can I complete devote myself to Blake. I am so ambivalent in that I want to stay home with Blake AND I want to work and enjoy my work most of the time. That's where the TORN part comes in. He is absolutely fine and resilient and appears to enjoy the days he spends with Memaw and Papaw and also Ms. Julia. He's very happy and probably doesn't miss me as I miss him but there's still that feeling that I don't have enough time with him. He spends 50+ hours a week with someone other than me. Boo. That sucks. If I could only win the lottery, I could stay home but also have enough money to stay busy so I wouldn't get bored and depressed from being stuck in the house. Anyway, I am done rambling. Just needed to vent.